In a relationship whether intimate or friendly when we get mad with one another, we often say things we don’t truly mean, but in the moment, we want to project a similar hurt onto the other person. It becomes a battle that if one doesn’t become the bigger person in the war, it’s hard to come out of it. My husband and I are now over a year into our marriage and it’s still something we are working through, but we are actively working together to fix it. The world is becoming more “colorblind” when it comes to relationships and this is a beautiful thing but preserving Afro love is still very much important as we have a history of connection that no other culture can relate to. It has become complicated with some of our men/women believing they have less drama to deal with by finding love with someone of another culture. We have to educate ourselves with new ways to deal and this can be through reading, counseling, etc.
In watching the show “Tyler Perry’s Zatima” on BET+, Zac and Fatima are a couple most of us were rooting for when we were first introduced to them in the show “Tyler Perry’s Sistas” and now as they progress in their relationship making it through a pregnant ex-girlfriend, an unknown child, and even jail, we see that they have now hit a roadblock in their relationship. The many situations that are now coming up keeps us on the edge of our seats talking to the screen hoping these crazy events and the behaviors that follow does not end their love. The biggest thing we see with them is overreactions without detail, putting themselves in situations that is slightly disrespectful to the other person, listening to friends instead of talking to the person, withdrawal, and avoidance among a few other things.
When it comes to men, most possess more masculine or aggressive energy and for women most have more feminine or emotional energy, but both energies are possessed by all and at different levels. In the show we often see Fatima giving off more masculine energy than Zac most times, so when there’s aggressive energy versus even more aggressive energy it would be hard for them to calm down when they are in the heat of an argument. In most cases a person comes into a relationship with past trauma from family, friends, and/or other relationships, so it takes both people to put in equal work to see changes.
In reading the book “Connecting Couples: Eight Roadmaps for Mastering Love and Connection in Healthy Relationships” by Andy T. Fenske, one of the roadmaps is that each person must have a balance of masculine and feminine energy for communication to be successful; the key to it includes timing, wording, and replacing behaviors.
- Are you timing the right moment to confront the other away from the attention of family/friends?
- Are you wording it correctly using more “I” than “you” when bringing across the way something made you feel?
- Are you letting the other person know what it is you want instead of projecting anger of what you didn’t like about the situation?
When grudges/anger are held and build up over multiple occasions, this leads to more resentment and it can get you to a place of no return, so sit down, have a drink, write things down, talk, and see where that leaves you because love and friendship in our community is something to be nurtured and cherished because we’ve come so far in our history to let it all go to waste.